swimmingly

So, I’m trying to figure out what my issue is. I don’t have time to slack off and consume extra calories … I feel as though I participate in self-sabotage too much. Unwillingly … but isn’t that how it goes?

I feel like my brain’s detached from my body when I’m making decisions. As in … when I’m about to do something, I’m thinking that it’s a bad decision and coming up with the right decision but then watch myself making the bad decision. I think I’m addicted to emergency and chaos. Maybe it’s more exciting to me to live in high alert. HOWEVER: it is not more fun … for me OR my loved ones. Particularly my woman. If I made more right decisions that would alleviate some of the pressure she feels to help keep me in line by reminding me of what I said I would do and the great ideas for improvement that I had during a moment of healthy clarity, most likely after a good, productive day.

Well, I’m at the bookstore by my work writing this. I agreed to take a fellow employee’s hours today despite the fact that I have other things that I need to do … and I do need the money. I get paid tomorrow … a big check … the leftovers from school grants, etc. I need to pay bills and even that whopper isn’t going to cover it … so, I need hours. In 45 minutes I start the five hour shift in 3″ heels. What waits for me after is about 3 hours’ worth of a study guide to finish for an exam tomorrow and a paper. At least this time I read the play at the beginning of the week and did preliminary research! Yeah! I’ll end this and research the articles I need to have found by tomorrow.

What’s the good of posting without contemplating a solution first? Well, maybe I should contact my Psychology professor friend and get her take on this suspected self-sabotage bit. I think it’s partially that I balk at the large shadow cast by complex tasks … which grows the longer I put them off. My previous solution was to stuff my fear into a black hole and just get on with it … but I think I have found my combination of a solution in two parts:

The first I learned in this swimming class I have to take to graduate. In order to reserve energy you must relax and breathe. I did it for a split second … until the guy next to me swam into me and I resumed freaking out about inhaling water. Now I try and swim M-F when the pool’s open, usually at noon after my Visual Culture class. It’s working well. I’m working up to excellent swimming and a more fit body.

The second I learned by ignoring my temptation to procrastinate as a result of shadow-fear. I did indeed stuff the fear and did so by just choosing something–ANYTHING–to do off of my list. Ah-ha! I have it. Just like warming up, I have to find something small and perhaps mindless to do to work into a study session. Fabulous…

I must remember these examples and apply them more than the once each that they’ve worked.

Self: Stop being mean to you. Though life hasn’t always been healthy, just make the best decisions … one at a time. Healthy feels better. Just make the next right decision … and all will be well.

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