I have so much to do but the full moon made me anything but a werewolf. In fact, some might say it turned me back to human. I have not been feeling motivated for the last week; it took a solid week for me to recover from that conference! Absolutely no productivity. That shit needed to stop, and moon or not–it has.
After my classes ended, I grabbed lunch and returned to my room. Ate at my semi-messy desk, looked around my semi-messy room and then looked to my definitely not finished paper. A simple one with all of the preparation work done … but I could not bring my semi-messy self to complete it. There’s another paper due Weds, as well. Simple-ish, but still: a paper. I felt the anxiety start to creep up from my stomach … and I started to clean. Then I stopped because there was the teeniest, tiniest sparkle of motivation to start the paper. I had all of my sources pulled up on my comp, Word open and ready to go … so I put down the dirty laundry and sat at the computer. I started reading the densest article which I’ve gotten through about five times and still have not retained knowledge. Frustrating. I started reading it out loud. S l o w . The words alluded me and my mind was wandering … The waves of the tasks started to wash up on the shore of my core, hinting at the feeling I know too well: Overwhelmed. I got the urge to pack up and catch the bus Elsewhere, convincing myself it’d be easier to start the paper there.
I was just running. Like I always do: fleeing as the shadows grow taller and threaten to engulf me. Running from the source instead of killing it dead, thus ridding the shadow. Satisfied in my terror.
Peace must come from within. All the running in the world has done me no good: I must put on my courage and slay the dragon.
So, with a deep breath, I started working. Slowly. I got the first page done and rewarded myself, perhaps too generously, with taking time to sing my theme song (Hand In My Pocket–Alanis) and Tweet some. Then I wrote the next paragraph and the next … and it was done.
DONE!!!!!!!!!!
Then I looked at the clock. I had about 20 minutes until the next bus passed my school and it takes some time to cross campus. I didn’t worry about it … I had accomplished something–anything! And, yah, I have another paper … but the buses pass by every half hour on the 7’s so if I missed it, I could just read for my next paper until the next one came. I decided to put my theme song into effect (minus hailing a taxi-cab, obviously) and let everything be “quite alright.” So, I took my time packing up, cleared out my binder a bit, gathered my laundry and started walking. Now, I didn’t dawdle, but my heart wasn’t racing and I wasn’t walking at that awful pace between walking and legit-running … that’s the worst.
I was wearing little slipper-type shoes…and the pathways were clear until I got ready to cross out of the parking lot. All of a sudden, before me lay deep-looking mud puddles and gravel and black, melted snow. It looked trecherous, but I crossed anyway…wishing I had a camera and someone else to take the picture of my orange, embroidered slip-ons in front of the black and white and grey and sludge I was about to cross to the white sidewalk with grass starting to show on either side. I would call the photo, “Senior Year.” Most definitely. I crossed it and it was good.
As I drew nearer to the stop, time started to concern me. I’ve been 15 feet from the stop before and watched the bus pass by. It’s kind of a horrid feeling. But I kept myself calm. Hey, Self, remember how you have the whole rest of the day to get there and this work you can do? And how it’s finally nice out? …but being just a few crucial moments late and within sight of the bus but out of sight from the bus driver sucks a little bit of pluck from your day. Oh well, I won’t worry
… because I’m going to chill the fuck out and not rush myself and put loads of undue pressure when there’s no reason to.
I made the bus … with about 10 minutes to spare. It was a little late … and I couldn’t have been more happy to not have stressed myself out.
Achieving personal goals is incredibly validating.
Learning to chill the fuck out is key. … also key: start small. Just: START.
SOUL REPO 