accept

Last night was just too much. We all have those days. I mean, I came right off of a weekend of heightened euphoria by sufficient mind-blowing, little sleep, higher energy, and so many laughs and connections. Back to reality. Back to thesis (yikes!). Back to Rockford, IL. Back to balance. And as much fun as the weekend was, there were horrific accounts of what still happens to us queers today.

To the underdogs: I hear your cries, I feel your pain, you’re beautiful in your strength, and I love you very much. I know you. I am you. I have been and we are. We. Are. And we Will Be.

But the downside of deep empathy and compassion is … the feeling part. So much oppression and repression and segregation — even within our own queer community, people. It’s saddenning. Then I come back to stories of extreme injustices befallen to those I know … and it dawns on me: I’m not Christian. Not in a guilt-way. I’m just … not. A little bit of a mind-fuck, but isn’t all mental evolution like a downpour?

I find one of my dearest friends, and we talk. We talk about spirituality … and it makes so much sense. What we said is between us until I figure out more things … but how comforting the truth is to hear. Individual spirituality. While we were talking, I started drawing and this came organically:

And so I accepted the fact that: I am not Christian. I was a closet Christian for a long time. I am no longer.

We were talking a lot about how self-hatred and self-judgment affect your energy, etc. Today, I embraced the fact that I’m chubby. I am. I am legitimately chubby. It is. And it is within my power to change that if I wish. I am no as healthy as I could/should be/wish I was. And so I can change that. I deserve better care. I’m smart enough to stop and think. I control my actions. My body and physical health are linked directly to my mental and spiritual health.

And it’s all linked to balance.

And today … I decided to accept myself for who I am. Physically, at least. No name-calling, no denial, no sucking in, no Spanx.

There’s no sense in judgment … of yourself, or others. It truly is what it is. There is no such thing as the good/evil dichotomy or binary. There is no such thing as good or evil. They’re social constructs that exist to try and make sense of the world and, some may argue, were developed as a control mechanism. Either way: when you think in binaries–even one this ingrained–you fall into a deathly trap of judgment.

It is not good. It is not evil. It just is. A product of the environment.

A handy tip in dealing with raging conservatives who cannot relate. They don’t understand. They are products of their environments. They are. I am. I will continue to be and grow and develop into who I am, discovering, enjoying, loving, attaining and enjoying health and balance.

Now, the tricky part: Instilling this as a natural understanding.

xo,

k